Cancerversary 2022

I don’t post much here, but wanted to share this special day with you. This may not seem like a “business” post, but because of the events of 19 years ago, I am the man that I am today. On October 14, 2003, I walked into my orthopedic surgeons office expecting to hear that I needed surgery on my shoulder due to what I thought was a torn rotator cuff. Instead the MRI slides and notes showed that there was severe necrosis of my shoulder and upper arm. The cause of this necrosis was listed as likely leukemia, lymphoma, or bone cancer. This started my cancer journey. Over the next several weeks it would be determined that I had stage 4 grade 3 follicular non-Hodgkin lymphoma. It had apparently been dormant in my body for at least ten years and just recently turned highly aggressive. The cancer was in my bone marrow and there were tumors in my pelvic area, my abdomen, neck, and upper body. I was told that my cancer was treatable but incurable. I was also told that once in remission, my cancer was likely to return within a few years and when it returned, it would be much harder to treat. I was finally told that the average life expectancy after diagnosis was seven to ten years. 

So began my cancer journey. I began six months of extremely harsh chemotherapy, followed by two years of maintenance chemotherapy. I quickly went into remission during the first three months of treatment. What was even better is that during the two years of maintenance chemotherapy, I began doing triathlons and marathons. I was not going to let cancer win. 

Needless to say, cancer has not won. It has been nineteen years and I am still in remission. I still run and swim (would love to say I bike also, but really don’t care for biking). I have completed many triathlons, marathons and in April 2008, I finished Ironman Arizona. 

Currently, I am advocating for childhood cancer. I am on the National Advisory Council for the American Cancer Society’s Gold Together program. My family I raise funds for cancer research and enjoy meeting and talking to kids and adults who are going through what I went through. I may be the controller for an oiled and gas company by day, but my passion is helping find a cure for cancer, especially in kids. My wife and I have started a publishing company that publishes books written by kids with cancer, or the parents of kids who have had cancer. Our goal is to see a world without cancer.

If you are currently going through the cancer journey, or have a family member or loved one that is, I would love to visit with you, even if it is just to hear your story. If you want to see some of the books that we have published, feel free to visit our website, www.bellasteri.com. 

Bill

fnhlsurvivor@gmail.com

2021

I am considering dusting off the blog. It looks like it has been eight years since I last wrote something. It has been almost 18 years since I was diagnosed with follicular non-Hodgkin lymphoma. That was a lifetime ago. I now have two grown children and am living in Fort Worth. Let's see where this year takes us.

Recovery

Recovery is going slow. After spending last week in Tulsa and running everyday, my knee is yelling. I am taking this week off from running and the knee is better. I am spending more time in the pool and on the stationary bike. I need to learn to pace myself and not be in such a rush to get back out on the running trail. I know better and coach my athletes to take their time to heal injuries. I guess it is time to practice what I preach.

The Finish Line

"To everything there is a season, a time for every purpose under heaven:" - Ecclesiastes 3:1

So ends our chapter on Remission Run. After five years of very hard, trying, but rewarding work, our family is moving on to the next chapter of our lives. We are grateful to everyone that has supported us through the years. We are thankful to all the athletes that came out and ran the race each year. We are indebted to our volunteers who were relentless at getting the job done. As Dana-Susan and I raised our glasses of champagne last night, we celebrated Remission Run and thanked God for remission.

So what is next? We don't know. We will still raise awareness about cancer. We will still raise funds for cancer research. We are just not sure of the vehicle we will be using to do this.

Thank you all for celebrating my remission for five years in a row with a party of over a thousand guests. Thank you for your passion to help us find a cure.

"For every FINISH LINE tape a runner breaks, complete with the cheers of the crowd and the clicking of hundreds of cameras, there are the hours of hard and often lonely work that rarely gets talked about." ~ Grete Waitz

Post Surgery Blues

I think I am reviving the blog because of my boredom and my lack of swimming. After I injured my knee at Thanksgiving, I was very limited in  the type of activities I could do for exercise. Namely I could lift weights and swim. I was putting in close to 20,000 yards of swimming a week. On January 14 (day of my surgery), My swimming went to 0 yards per week. I had grown used to swimming and really had been enjoying the challenge of swimming against one of my good friends, Robi. Now I am limited to lifting weights and either riding a stationary bike or doing the elliptical. Neither of those offer the opportunity for friendly competition. The saving grace is that most likely by the end of next week I will be back in the pool. I know I won't be hitting 20,000 yards a week for a while, but I will at least be challenging myself and Robi and putting in some good yards.

Heroes - Just Some Thoughts

The dictionary definition of HERO is “someone of distinguished courage or ability, admired for his brave deeds and noble qualities”.

Over the past several months a lot of people have asked me to talk about my feelings about Lance Armstrong. My typical answer is that Iʼm grateful for any good heʼs done for the cancer community and then I change the subject. Some people have even said, “what has happened to Lance is tragic because the cancer community has lost its great hero.” What Iʼm about to say to you has nothing to do with Lance, but everything to do with the lie that the cancer community had only one great hero and no longer does. If a hero truly is someone with distinguished courage or ability, admired for brave deeds and noble qualities, well then the cancer community remains full of heroes, some alive and well, and others fallen.

My sister Michelle became a hero in my eyes when she was only 5 years old. I will never forget the moment my parents told me she had leukemia. I was 7 years old and scared. But I watched her courageously endure chemotherapy and radiation. I saw her laugh and smile when she was in pain and proudly pull off her wig in front of everyone to jump into the pool to swim with me. Michelle was my best friend. For a year, I saw a true hero in her as leukemia ate away her life. On the last day of second grade, I went home from school to hear the devastating words that changed my life forever, “your sister died today”. One year after her diagnosis, my sister became another victim of blood cancer. In my eyes, Michelle Crews, is a fallen hero. Sheʼs not out living strong, she never had the chance to run a marathon or become an Ironman. She never had the chance to even finish  kindergarten, but she was was one of the greatest heroes of my life.

Recently I read an article about teenagers with cancer. The teens wrote about how they feel about their disease. Kids are so honest. They donʼt feel the need to put a spin on cancer. They just tell it like they see it. One of the girls said how she just wishes she could go to PE class and hang out with her friends, all the normal stuff sheʼs missing out on. Every one of them said they just wanted to go back to the normal stuff, not that they wanted to be some great hero, doing big extraordinary things, just the ordinary things all the other teens take for granted. But the quote that stood out the most to me came from a 14-year- old boy. He said, “Cancer has messed up my life, thereʼs no getting round it. People say Iʼm inspiring and strong – I hate that. Iʼm no superhero, just a boy who wants to stay alive, doing what the doctors and nurses tell him in the hope of one day getting his life back.” This got to me more than anything else because itʼs how I feel too. My photo is in magazines and on posters at MD Anderson. In it, I stand next to my bike with the word “lymphoma” crossed out and the caption talks about my triathlons and marathons. Iʼm told that my story of beating cancer and becoming an Ironman inspires people and makes me a hero. Although I appreciate the kind words and Iʼm glad to motivate people to pursue their dreams, the simple truth is Iʼm not a hero for having cancer. I was just a 37 year old man who felt just like that 14 year old. Cancer messed up my life. My hope was that the drugs would do their job of getting rid of my cancer so I could go back out and live again.

My hero is Rick Hagemeister, the man who saved my life. His decision to use RCHOP chemotherapy was the reason Iʼm alive today. Itʼs not because I did anything great. I was lucky. The drugs worked for me. My  sister was unlucky because they did not work for her. Does the fact that she died make her less of a hero? Does it mean she wasnʼt brave or strong or filled with courage? No. It means that the drugs did not work for her.  Strength and courage do not save your life. Maybe, if youʼre lucky, the chemo works. Thatʼs  why we need more funding for research. Cancer research saves lives. Oncologists, nurses, researchers- those are the  heroes. They are the ones who have devoted their lives to the eradication of cancer. But without funding for  research, they canʼt do their job.

Knee Surgery and Remission Run

This is in reference to the fact that I had knee surgery on January 14, 2013. I see in my last post that I was going to be more regular with posting. Well let's try again.

Day three of training back from knee surgery

Felt good overall. This week I really need my workouts as it is the end of an era. the BCRR comes to a close on Saturday. It will be bitter sweet as what started out as a gift to me has become such a blessing to so many. I look forward to seeing old and new friends out there. I regret that knee surgery will keep me from actually running, but also look forward to greeting each cancer survivor as they cross the "finish line" this weekend. There will be friends in town that I haven't seen in years. I look forward to the fellowship and just catching up on life with them. There will be friends that have been a part of this from day one that can't be there. You know who you are and can expect a call from me at some point on Saturday. Mostly, I look forward to some time of rest and relaxation with my beautiful wife. She has poured her heart and soul into this for over five years now and needs a break. Thank you Dana-Susan for an amazing event and an amazing life of adventure together.

Rebooting

Wow it has been two and a half years since I posted in this blog. It has been a rocky two and a half years. That is not to say there haven't been great times. I have had many great times with my family and friends. I have slowly started getting more into running and less into triathlon. I did not do a single triathlon in 2012 and I only have one planned for 2013, likely my last tri. In the meantime, I am training for the Houston Marathon and likely The Woodlands Marathon as well.

In just two weeks, I will celebrate the ninth anniversary of my cancer diagnosis. The day I was diagnosed seems so long ago, but at the same time it stays with me all the time. I plan on documenting my feelings here for the next few weeks as I also approach my annual visit to MD Anderson on November 8.

A New Beginning

It is time to say goodbye to 2009 once and for all. 2009 had many heartbreaks and hardships in it. That is not to say that I did not have some great victories. Through it all, I learned a lot of lessons. God has been faithful. I have had to patiently watch as He transformed me. I am not the same person I was when 2009 started. My family is not the same either. We endured hardship in job losses and in injuries. We endured biopsies and cancer scares. We fought hard against people who violated our trust. In the end we have come out victorious. 2009 is in the books and 2010 is well under way. I know that there will be challenges, but I also know that we can face them.

2010 started off with my 11 year old daughter running her first half marathon with a time of 2:46. We then took a trip to Disney where the family got to ride roller coasters in the sleet and I became a certified running coach. After that, my wife and her Remission Run committee put on one of the best 5k's I have ever been to. Finally, next week I start a new job back in the industry that I had been a part of for 19 years.

Life is good. It took patience to make it through 2009. So far 2010 was worth the wait.

End of an Era

So, it is time to start writing again. Just a quick update on my St. George Marathon. My good friend Mike and I traveled to St. George the first week of October. This was to be my “A” race for the season. It was also my last scheduled race for the season. I new going into this race that if I were going to hit my target, I was going to have to go into the race completely focused and give everything I had in me. I spent three days before the race decompressing and just relaxing in the beautiful city of St. George. The morning of the race, Mike and I arrived at the start line on top of the mountain sometime around 4:30 AM. We quickly settled around one of the many bonfires set up to keep the runners warm. Though we really hadn’t discussed it, the plan was for each of us to run our own race. We both had a target of 3:20, but since I had done a majority of my training alone, I wanted to do this alone. The race started at 6:45 AM. I quickly settled into my groove. This truly was one of the most amazing races I have ever run. The sun rise coming up over the mountains was perfect. Though the crowds were small, they were enthusiastic. The volunteers were the best I have seen. I stayed on pace feeling really great until about mile 24 or 25. It was there that the fatigue of running down hill for three hours was starting to get to me. I slowed my pace a little but was still on target to finish in under 3:20. Then at mile 25.7, I collapsed. My body would not cooperate with me any more. I could not stand up, I could not walk, all I could do was sit on the street. Medical volunteers rushed out to me. They were all very nice, but all wanted me to quit. I explained to them that I could see the finish line and was not about to quit. I sat on the ground for about three minutes and then asked them to help me up. They said the only way they would allow me to continue was if I could stand and walk on my own. I stood and then started taking steps. Soon I was moving towards the finish line again. My time, a personal best of 3:23. I did not make my target, but I left with a sense of accomplishment knowing that I had given everything in my body to the race and there was nothing left to give. Will I ever have a 3:20 marathon? I don’t know and that really is not important anymore. The more important thing is to enjoy my running and rediscover the true pleasure of giving everything I have and leaving it all on the course no matter what course it is.

Motivation

I have not posted anything since the Rochester Marathon. I had a decent race that I turned into a training run after mile 16. Starting at mile 12, I vomitted for two miles. Between miles 16 and 17, I cramped up probably from dehydration. I still finished the marathon in a respectable 3 hours and 53 minutes. Since that day, I have continued to train as I have another marathon on October 3. I have, however, lacked motivation. I feel good when I run, I just find it hard to push myself out the door. I also keep having a cramp in my left hamstring. It will hit at random times. I will push through all of this. I will reach my goal. I once had a coach tell my that pain is mostly mental. I agree. There are cases when pain represents an injury or something serious, however a lot of the time it is really mental. I have work to do on my mental game. I have to push through this block and push through the pain of this cramp. I will succeed.

"Tapered and Shaved"

Back when I was a competitive swimmer, I owned a t-shirt that had a logo that said “Tapered and Shaved” on it. I would only wear that t-shirt in the week leading up to whatever big meet I had prepared for all season, usually regionals or state. It was a sign that all the hard work had been done and now I was in a state of letting my body recover enough to perform at its peak in the meet. Well, here I am four days from the “big” race. If I had the t-shirt, I would be wearing it now. I have put in many forty and fifty mile weeks of running. I have run fast at track and slow on my long runs. I have mostly watched what I ate. I have had good runs and bad runs. It now all comes down to Sunday. I can not control the weather or the condition of the course. I can only control my attitude and how I respond to the conditions around me. All of the physical preparation is done. It is now all mental. Any workout I do now will have no benefit until a week or two after the race (although it could have a detrimental effect if I overdo it). I know I can hit my target, I also know it is going to be hard at times. I think this is what makes it all worthwhile though. Another saying I hear often is “anything worth having is worth fighting for”. I will be fighting against doubts and insecurities and mistakes of past races. I will also be fighting against fatigue. Mostly I believe that on Sunday I will be well prepared and I will be fighting for my target and winning. After all, I am “tapered and shaved.”

13 Days

13 days until the Rochester Marathon. According to all my training as a coach, I know that any training I do from now until race day will not benefit me until after the race. This means that I can not do anything now to improve my marathon, but I could hurt my marathon if I get injured. I am now in full taper mode. In the past when I entered taper made, I would usually get grumpy and become difficult to live with (Just ask Dana-Sue). This time around, I am actually looking forward to the extra rest. I know I trained hard and that I am prepared physically and mentally for this race. I am being extra careful not to injure myself. I am looking at what I eat as fuel and not food. I am starting to hydrate even more than normal. I have set lofty goals for this race and I do not want to fail. I know there will be pain involved in the race (it is a marathon after all), but I want it to be fun. I want to savor the fruits of my training. And whatever happens in the end, I will praise God for the opportunity given me to run this race. He deserves all of the glory.

Four Weeks and Counting

We are now less than four weeks from my “A” race. To be honest, I am starting to get a little nervous. I had a disastrous 18 mile run yesterday that had me “limping” in the last two miles. It was an extremely hot morning that had me losing over eight pounds of water weight on my run. This left me completely dehydrated for most of the day. There would be times that different parts of my body would just curl up in a cramp unexpectedly. By about 5:00 pm, I was mostly back to normal, just exhausted. I have a 20 miler this weekend and then I coast into the marathon. To be honest, I am looking forward to the rest. I think I may have over trained just a little as I pushed myself to get up on days that I was extremely tired. I also pushed some of the pace and mileage limits a bit the last three weeks. I have run close to 50 miles a week for the last few weeks. For the next four weeks, I will be getting more sleep and watching even more closely the fuel I put into my body. Yes, this means no Goose’s Acre for the next four weeks, but it will be well worth it when I reach my goal. And believe me there will be beer and “chips and salsa” after I accomplish my goal.

This weeks training has me resting today and Saturday. Tuesday, Thursday and Friday, I do six miles each morning. On Wednesday, I have track (800’s with a short recovery). It is going to be a great week.

Rochester Marathon

Exactly one month from today, I will be running in the Rochester Marathon. This has been my planned "A" race for the last six months. All of my training and preparations have been for this race. I have one tough week of training left, and then I start a three week taper period. I am prepared physically for this race. I am mostly prepared mentally. It is the emotional side that I am still preparing. The last "A" race I prepared for was Ironman Arizona in April 2008. As I recall, I was not fully prepared emotionally until the morning of the race. It was then that I peaked in all three areas. I am really looking forward to September 13 when everything finally comes together. This is going to be fun.

Frailty of Life

This is sort of a deep post. Last week at Goose’s Acre, as five of us sat around the table enjoying a cold beer after a hard track workout, the topic of staring death in the face came up briefly. The topic was aimed at me and Micah, the other lymphoma survivor sitting at the table. It was brought up by my coach, who had a very bad wreck almost three years ago that totaled his truck. I guess it was meant to let us reflect on how we look at life now that we have seen death face to face. I have not ever discussed this with Micah, but I remember as I heard my cancer diagnosis, I immediately went to the idea that I would not survive. I looked at cancer as a death sentence. Over the next six months, there were moments when I knew I would survive and there were moments when I knew I was just weeks from death. The hard fact is that we all die, it is just a matter of when. Do I look at life differently? Some days I do. I have a great desire to help others with cancer. I believe my survival has given me a special opportunity to help others who may be facing the same thing I faced. Life is precious and fragile. After Coach Bill’s car wreck, he said you never know what is going to happen. He is so right.

This weekend Dana-Sue and I were have lunch with a friend of ours when we received a text message. There had been an accident in Florida and two of the swimmers on The Woodlands Hurricanes swim team had been killed along with their grandmother. In an instant, these parents had lost two sons and a mother. Their lives have changed forever. Life is so frail and my prayers go out for them. You never know what is going to happen.

I write this to remind each of us that each day is a gift and we are never guaranteed another day. I close with a poem written by the late Jonathon Blais:

Live…more than your neighbors. Unleash yourself upon the world and go places. Go now. Giggle…no…laugh…no… Stay out past dark and bark at the moon like the wild dog that you are. Understand that this is not a dress rehearsal. This is it…your life. FACE YOUR FEARS AND LIVE YOUR DREAMS. Take it all in. Yes, every chance you get…come close. And, by all means, whatever you do…get it on film. Jonathan Blais, aka ALS Warrior Poet, August 30, 1971 - May 27, 2007

Tuesday Night Track

Tuesday Night Track was great. I did a two mile warm-up followed by three miles at race pace, then a one mile cool down. Everything flowed perfectly last night. For the first time in weeks, I got my stride and actually felt the run flow. My mile times were 7:02, 7:01, and 7:00. They were supposed to be between 7:15 and 7:30; however I ran as I felt and I felt good. Another factor in the fast pace was the triathletes that were doing repeats at a faster pace than me. I would start out at the prescribed pace, but when they passed me, I would get caught in their draft and end up speeding up. I left track satisfied though as I felt much better in the run than I was expecting to. It was almost too easy.

Tonight I get to help coach my TNT group. I look forward to it.

Long Awaited Update

It has been a few weeks since I last posted. That does not mean that nothing is happening in my life. It just means I have been real busy. In the last month, I have been to Dallas to see my father, I have been to San Antonio to watch my son swim in the TAAF State Swim Meet, and I have continued training for the Rochester Marathon on September 13.

My visit with my dad went very well. There were some things that had to be said between us. Even though the circumstances were not conducive for a personal conversation, those things were said. I saw a side of my dad that I have never seen. It made me very happy to see this side of him. It looks like there is healing happening in our relationship.

My son did very well at the state swim meet. He placed 6^th in the 25 yard butterfly and the 25 yard breaststroke. He placed 8^th in the 25 yard freestyle. He took time off of all of his strokes and we are very proud of him. Both of my kids are already starting to think about the winter state swim meet. We will start practicing for that in a week or two.

My daughter continues to do well in swimming and running. This past weekend she placed first in a kid’s 5k, while Dylan came in a close second. Morgan looked very strong as she ran hard and looked very good the whole way. This year has been a year of transition. I am looking forward to next year when we start looking at doing triathlons again.

As for me, training in the Houston heat and humidity for a September marathon continues to be a challenge. My two favorite training sessions of the week are track night and my long runs. I love track night because I actually get to see some of the results of the training I am doing. Tonight I am doing a six mile goal pace run on the track. I will start off with a two mile warm-up, and then go directly into three miles at a 7:15 – 7:30 pace, then a one mile cool down. The challenge will be the temperature (92 degrees) and humidity (50 %) at 6:45 tonight. It is supposed to feel like 100 degrees right in the middle of my workout.

My long runs give my mind a chance to wander. I consider these my cleansing runs. I spend a lot of the time praying and purging the previous week. These two and three hour runs allow for me some time to just clear my mind and prepare for the week ahead. To many people a 16 – 20 mile run does not sound enjoyable; to me it is one of the most enjoyable parts of my training program. This week I have a 16 mile run scheduled. The first 10 miles are to be at an 8:20 – 8:50 pace. I then pick the pace up to 7:15 – 7:30 for four miles. The final two miles are “relax and run how you feel”. After last weekends run, I am really looking forward to this run.

One final thing, I have met some truly amazing people this year through the different races that I have participated in and through the different track workouts I have done. Each one of them has contributed to making me a better person and a better runner. I really appreciate all of the help and encouragement each of them has given me at Tuesday and Wednesday night track. You guys know who you are and I look forward to seeing you again this week.

Trying as opposed to doing

Today at church the pastor talked about words that come from hell and words that come from Heaven. He discussed knowing the difference between the two. I have been reading a book by Bobby McGee called "Magical Running". It is a book on running, but it is also a book on life. The chapter I started yesterday definitely fit in with the message today and with life itself. The passage is on trying versus doing:

""Trying" is often a way of not being responsible. Society rewards "trying your best". But notice how you avoid the lessons failure can teach when you dismiss an outcome simply by saying: "I tried." ... It is far better to go for success and fully accept failure as one more step in the journey to success. In other words, reward your own success and failure equally, as functions of attempting with purpose to succeed, not to appease your own ego or satisfy a societal demand to have tried your best."

"You can therefore either choose TO DO (proactive) or have DONE (reactive) to you."

We should take the trying out of our vocabulary. Too often failure is looked at as a sin. Failure should be looked at for the lessons learned on the way to success whether it be in running or in life.

This week the challenge to me is to go out there and "do" instead of "try".

Cool Video

Had a terrible run today. Dana-Sue shared the following clip with me however, and it changed my whole attitude.



I hope you enjoy the video. The movie is "Facing The Giants". I will be watching it again tonight.

Thanks Dana-Sue for the inspiration to keep going.